Ace Markaa

Maria's speech patterns are fragments or awkward. This sentence is missing 'was'. "It was how I programmed" The cake is a lie!? O.o If Titani is that stupid to believe ...

Going to skip the issues of descriptions and setting because you posted the 6th chapter, not the first. In any event, it was pretty well written, but the how and ...

Spike this. It has a disjointed flow. Rushed scenes and no descriptions relevant to plot. No reader wants to read words that are not important to what is happening just ...

Form wise this works, but it falls more under a sci-fi/fantasy cross which it is pretty clear you have little research in. Avoid sentence fragments, even if they are mechanicial. ...

The prose switches to narration and ruins the flow, it interrupts the story for information that could be convayed by ancedotal reference by the character. I'd remove the narration bit, ...

The major problem with this piece is some slippage into passive prose. Like, 'the house lies in san diego'. Whenever you write like that, it ruins the flow. I can't ...